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NEXT GAME:Leicester City FC
Saturday 4th May 2024
Kick off 12.30 pm
Kingpower Stadium
Championship
Grief! Silly cow. If comedy isn't on the edge somehow then it rarely works. If she is to be a comedienne then TURD! she needs to cultivate a WANKER! sense of humour TWAT!
Goodness only knows what career Jack Douglas would have had these days but it wouldn't have been in showbiz.
Goodness only knows what career Jack Douglas would have had these days but it wouldn't have been in showbiz.
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
That's on the list above - try to keep up
davebirch
Senior Member
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
A guy goes on a golfing trip to Scotland.
He turns up at the golf course and asks if someone will play golf with him.
One of the members agrees to play him the following day. " I'll be there at nine o clock but I might be 30 minutes late" says the member.
The next day they play at 9am. The member plays left-handed and soundly beats the visitor, who isn't too happy to lose.
"Will you play me again tomorrow?", he asks.
"OK" says the member, "I'll see you at 9am again but I might be 30 minutes late".
The next morning they play at 9am and the member wins again, this time playing right- handed.
"Will you give me one more chance to beat you?" asks the visitor.
"OK" says the member. "9am tomorrow but I might be 30 minutes late".
"Hold on a minute", says the visitor, "yesterday you play left- handed, today you play right-handed. How do you decide which way to play?"
"Well", says the member, "when I wake up in the morning, I look at my wife lying in bed. If she's lying on her left side, I play left-handed. If she's lying on her right-side, I play right-handed".
"What if she's lying on her back?"
"I'll be 30 minutes late"
He turns up at the golf course and asks if someone will play golf with him.
One of the members agrees to play him the following day. " I'll be there at nine o clock but I might be 30 minutes late" says the member.
The next day they play at 9am. The member plays left-handed and soundly beats the visitor, who isn't too happy to lose.
"Will you play me again tomorrow?", he asks.
"OK" says the member, "I'll see you at 9am again but I might be 30 minutes late".
The next morning they play at 9am and the member wins again, this time playing right- handed.
"Will you give me one more chance to beat you?" asks the visitor.
"OK" says the member. "9am tomorrow but I might be 30 minutes late".
"Hold on a minute", says the visitor, "yesterday you play left- handed, today you play right-handed. How do you decide which way to play?"
"Well", says the member, "when I wake up in the morning, I look at my wife lying in bed. If she's lying on her left side, I play left-handed. If she's lying on her right-side, I play right-handed".
"What if she's lying on her back?"
"I'll be 30 minutes late"
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
Pete lives next door to John and one day he receives the following text message:
"Hi Pete, this is John, next door.
I've been full of guilt for a few weeks now and been trying to get the courage to tell you face-to-face.
When you aren't around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night - probably much more than you.
I've had problems at home and haven't been getting it lately.
I know that's no excuse but the temptation was too much.
I can't live with the guilt any more and I hope you'll accept my sincere apologies and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I will pay you"
Pete, feeling a mixture of anger and betrayal, grabs his gun, goes next door and shoots John dead.
He then returns home and shoots his wife dead too.
Pete pours himself a stiff drink, sits on the sofa and notices a second text message from John.
"Hi Pete, John again.
Sorry about the typo on my last message.
I assume you figured it out and realised that spellchecker changed "wifi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all."
"Hi Pete, this is John, next door.
I've been full of guilt for a few weeks now and been trying to get the courage to tell you face-to-face.
When you aren't around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night - probably much more than you.
I've had problems at home and haven't been getting it lately.
I know that's no excuse but the temptation was too much.
I can't live with the guilt any more and I hope you'll accept my sincere apologies and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I will pay you"
Pete, feeling a mixture of anger and betrayal, grabs his gun, goes next door and shoots John dead.
He then returns home and shoots his wife dead too.
Pete pours himself a stiff drink, sits on the sofa and notices a second text message from John.
"Hi Pete, John again.
Sorry about the typo on my last message.
I assume you figured it out and realised that spellchecker changed "wifi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all."
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
Nice
Attachments
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
Serious risk takers
Attachments
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
Ouch!
Old Darwen Blue
Prediction Champion 2021, 2022 & 2023
Won’t play on my iPad Pro!
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
There are many ways to tell the time...
Old Darwen Blue
Prediction Champion 2021, 2022 & 2023
Bloody hell I bet that hurt
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
Mick Miller and the alcoholic Noddy narrator 
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
Beer - music to your ears 
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
Keep chuckling 
Wilpshire Blue
Senior Member
More than one way to tell the time 